The Garden Route town of Knysna gives new meaning to 'shot-gun' wedding, as Natalie Dixon soon discovers. 

Down the Garden Route aisle

It’s good to know that if you need to get hold of a paintball gun and a marriage license at the same time, then Ockert is your man. As the pastor of the George Apostolic church as well as the local paintball specialist (a side business, but growing) Ockert has already married 30 couples on the Garden Route this year.

In the past (think 80s)

There were two things you couldn’t find in Knysna: Crocs (praise!) and posh restaurants. Remember posh in Knysna is a closed shoe. So while we’re here for one of the paintball pastor’s ceremonies we discovered one of the new posh nosh spots.

Lush (somewhere between Moulin Rouge and an uptown diner) gave us a view of the water and the Heads from the edge of Thesen Island, a gorgeous bloody fillet on mash and some great wines.

In the past (think 90s)

The only place you could go with a clear conscience for good oysters was the Knysna Oyster Company. But ever since Thesen Island has become a gated McVille of boathouses and identical leisurewear shops (loafers, white slacks and jumpers you can sling over your shoulders) the Oyster Company has started looking a little run down.

Luckily the oysters still hold their own and if Engelbert Humperdinck is your gig then we found a cover band here with your name on it. An old man two tables down from us finishes a bottle of rosé and busts a move in front of the band when ‘Quando Quando Quando’starts. We witness something between an Elvis bump and grind and a mild epileptic fit. He loses a loafer in a stray Boogie Night’s manoeuvre as we make out way out.

Get a mani and pedi in Knysna

But who better to give us some first-hand small-town gossip than the local beauty spa therapist? All for the price of a mani and pedi. According to Oona (nice eye shadow, good hair and perfect toes) there’s is a drug smuggling route through the Knysna Heads. Try imagining a dinghy stacked with narcotics navigating its way through one of the most treacherous portals in the world?

Apparently Lloyds won’t insure any boat through here. Oona jumps subjects by mapping out the entire events of her last Friday night.

Malicious gossip aside

It came time for a trip to the local nightclub for a pre-wedding dance. Zanzibar, on Main Road, was hosting a Caribbean party sponsored by Malibu. So for a mere R10 we could legitimately don a Hawaiian-style shirt and baggies and head out to the dance floor where inexplicably they played hip hop greats Wu Tang Clan and Cypress Hill.

The locals were shooting pool and a young girl mimed the words to ‘Insane in the Membrane’.

Rolling, rolling, rolling into bed

Further down Main Rd is the Town B&B where we stayed. Almost devoid of any life besides a stray black and white cat, we eventually found our bed. And a duvet. And a small yellow stain. And a shower. And a shower door. Although that later fell off its hinges.

The B&B’s proximity to the main drag meant we woke to the sweet sounds of 18-wheelers at four in the morning and Larry, the poor English bloke who runs the place had all but given up. The sign on the gate kept switching between ‘Sorry We’re Full’ and ‘Rooms Available’ although no other cars occupied the carpark besides our rental. 

Ding dong, the bells are gonna chime

So we were more than ecstatic to be leaving the B&B heading straight for the sound of wedding chimes and those tiny inventive cocktail snacks that you only find in the enormous gap between when the couple say ‘I Do’ and then disappear for hours taking photos while frolicking in the waves.

Besides falling short of the requisite confetti throw (dead miss, hitting the back of the bride’s head) the rest of the evening fell apart peacefully to the sounds of another local cover band at the swish Sirocco restaurant.

Leaving with a bang

A trip to Knysna wouldn’t be complete without a visit to the local flea market and a one on one with a crystal-selling hippie.

And if you’re heading back to Joburg like us, she’s inclined to give you a protection crystal. But then I forgot to mention that the paintball pastor, also sells custom-fitted gas canisters for an extra R200 that you can use with his guns.

Nice.

Want to get the lowdown from Oona, click here for Knysna packages.